Day 15:

Im sorry my last blog post sucked. I havent been feeling well and my internet connection is spotty.

So far this trip has been incredible. I think all of the freshness and awe that started this trip has started to wear off. Now it has been replaced with wanting to talk to my father about how Im feeling and about what Ive learned (or think Ive learned).

Since Ive been here he has not called me once.

I thought he would be calling me everyday. I want to talk to him about things and I want him to talk to his family. My Uncle Ramon asked me today if I thought my dad would ever come back to Puerto Rico, and I told him I didnt know.

I honestly dont know if my dad will ever come back to Puerto Rico. He has too many responsibilities right now. He has to take care of my younger siblings, his new wife, and he is still working. The contrast between my Uncle Ramon and my dad is striking.

My Uncle Ramon is retired, living in a gorgeous home, he is generous and a very outgoing person. His heart is huge.

My Dad is a very closed person. I feel like I've went through my entire life up to this point not knowing who he is or anything about him. I think my dad tried his best to be a good father but the problems with my mother kept him from doing so.

I feel so grateful to have him as my dad. Ive always felt proud of being 1/2 Puerto Rican and I was always happy to have him in my life. My dad and I have started getting closer this year. We went from talking 3 or 4 times a year to talking everday. He has really opened up to me in the last few months, confiding in me and really letting me see how much he cares. I miss that right now. I want him to call me.

The last few nights I have stayed with my cousin Lizzy and cousin Pito. The uncomfortable-ness is still there. They have made more of an effort to communicate with me, if looking at me every once in a while and making hand motions to come eat is communication.

Other than this little bump in this adventure things have been well. I am happy, well-fed and very contemplative.

Today my Uncle Ramon and I were talking about my father more in depth.

My dads dad (my grandfather) was in the military, he went to Korea. He married my grandmother Carmen and had 3 children (my dad, Wanda, and Orlando). Apparently he got shot and came back to Puerto Rico a little messed up. He got money from the government (about $40,000) and when Carmen left him he spent it all on random things.

When Carmen left, my dads Aunt (Ramons mom) took all 3 kids in with her, because my grandfather was not equipped to take care of them. Ramon says she loved them like her own kids and that my dad was a "really nice boy."

My Aunt Wanda got married (for the first time) when she was 16. My dad joined the military when he was 18 or 19. I mentioned that I had some of the postcards my grandmother (Ramons Mom: from now on when I mention Grandmother she is who I will be referring to) sent to him.

I know that my dad was stationed in Germany for a while and that he learned English while serving in the military.
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The more I learn about my dad, the sadder I get when I think about what he went through in his childhood and with my mother. I know the next time we talk we will have alot to discuss and this trip will only bring us closer. I feel a deep need to make sure he comes back to Puerto Rico. I know it would mean the world to him and to his family and Im going to do everything I can to make it happen.

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Alot has happened in the last few days. I am having trouble posting pictures to this blog but I will add them once the internet is more stable.