(Finally) Becoming Puerto Rican

Ive thought about continuing this blog with a few post-trip thoughts and reflections but never got around to actually logging in again and doing it. After a friend of mine mentioned that I should I gave in.

A few of the things that have been swirling around in my brain since leaving the island are:

1. I want to go back ASAP!
2. Im forgetting tons of things already.
3. It changed me.

Everytime I mention that I spent a good part of my summer in Puerto Rico I get asked some version of the question, "How was it?" and I never know how to answer. The trip was so many different things to me. It was a life-changing experience. A friend of mine asked me today if I classified myself as Latina, and it really made me think alot about what being Latina meant to me.

Before this trip, I knew nothing about Puerto Rico, Spanish, Puerto Rican culture... absolutely nothing. The only link I had to PR was my dad and even he was detached from Puerto Rico. Its so strange to think that my dad left the island when he was my age and has spent more time off the island than actually on the island.

Im not sure If I wrote about this in an earlier post but just in case I didnt here is a little more background about me. My mother is Native American, Navajo to be exact. Her first language is Navajo and my dads first language is Spanish. Growing up in their household, I heard English. This makes sense seeing as it was the only language my parents could communicate in. haha

I grew up on the reservation and around other Native Americans. I grew up with the Navajo culture. The Navajo language. Everything. Because of this Ive always identified as Native American and hardly ever as Latina. Up until about 5th grade Id never really experienced any kind of Latino culture. I knew I was Puerto Rican but as a child I had no idea what that really meant. I knew it separated me from my peers, it gave me a different last name, it gave me wavy hair instead of straight hair and all these things marked me as Latina even if I didnt realize it or identify as Latina.

In 5th grade my family moved to a small town just outside of Santa Fe, called Espanola and this was the first time Id ever had contact (outside of my dad) with other Latinos. Most of the people in this town were Mexican, Catholic and fluent in Spanish. I went to school there for 2 years. I played Basketball, I was a cheerleader and I even picked up a little bit of an accent. I was taking Spanish classes and it was the first time I realized that I was something else. Since almost everyone in that town was Mexican, when I started to tell people I was half Puerto Rican I would get interesting comments. I think I began to identify as part Puerto Rican in order to fit in better there. Being Native American meant nothing to them and so the only way to get in with them was to claim some kind of same-heritage (or something like that).

Anyway. Ive already mentioned how everytime Ive identified as Puerto Rican, I would get questions about whether or not I spoke Spanish, had been to PR etc. and how I never had an answer, so my identification as being part Puerto Rican soon stopped. I didnt feel like I had any claim to that part of myself so I went back to being Native American.

This trip was monumental in getting over my "identification issues". Now that I have been to the island and now that I have "proof" I finally feel free to identify as part Puerto Rican. My cousin Ramon, wrote me a message saying, "be proud. You are Puerto Rican!" and thats totally true. I can finally claim my ethnicity and believe myself when I say it.

I will post more about the other things Ive learned later. This post has gotten pretty long so I will give your poor eyes a break.

Here is a picture of me in Massachusetts, representing my Puerto Rican heritage. :)

The End (or The Beginning)

Post- Puerto Rico

Its been a few weeks since Ive returned from Puerto Rico and I miss is sooooo much.

The last month I was there I stayed with my Uncle Orlando. I spent alot of time watching TV, helping my cousin Suhei with her English homework and babysitting babies.

While at my Uncle Orlandos, we made a few day trips to Corozal to meet Carmen's (my dads mother) family. The trip went very well. We got along well and I was able to get names, phone numbers and pictures of a few of my dads family -many that he has never even met!





The last few weeks in my Uncles house, it really started to set in that I was going to leave and it felt bittersweet. On one hand I couldn't wait to get back to school and on the other hand I really didnt want to leave.

The day before my flight I went with my Aunt Ada to Fajardo. We got to look out over the beach at some of the smaller islands off of Puerto Rico. We collected sea shells (soooooo many here!) and drove around taking pictures.





I felt like Id just started to make connections with my family and feeling comfortable enough to fully be myself and it was already time to go. :( Even though there were days where I did absolutely nothing, just being on the island and around my family was enough. I loved to see them do their normal everyday things and I really enjoyed being apart of their lives.

The days before my flight out were the worst. I really didnt want to leave. Sitting in the airport, I was tempted to just run back out the doors and stay there forever. My cousins were texting me and some of their texts made me sad to leave. They told me they loved me and to come back and visit them soon--which I promised to do.

Now that Ive had a few weeks to think about what exactly Ive gotten out of this trip I think I can say that I feel legitimate (maybe complete?) now. Ive learned alot more than I planned to. I didnt learn that much spanish but thats okay because I learned alot about myself.

My entire life Ive known that I was 1/2 Puerto Rican but I never had any real claim to it.

-Id never been to Puerto Rico
-I couldnt speak Spanish
-I didnt know the first thing about how to "be" Puerto Rican

But now, after this trip, I feel like I can say that "I am Puerto Rican" and not feel guilty about it or worry about people asking probing questions about my legitimacy.

-Have you ever been there? (No)
-Do you speak Spanish? (Not well)

This trip has given me a real grasp of who I am and what being Puerto Rican means to me. I dont think Ive fully thought out everything Ive learned yet and I dont think I will ever understand it completely but right now I am incredibly happy with what I have learned.

This trip has given me confidence and allowed me to explore and learn about a part of my history and self that has been missing for too long. I can say now that Ive actually been to Puerto Rico. I have names of family members attached to faces. I know that if I ever want to go back I have alot of people who will welcome me into their homes. The connections I made to my family members means the world to me. It makes me happy just knowing that they are in my life.

While I was there, I never felt like I was unwelcome, there were times I felt uncomfortable but never unwelcome. If theres one thing I can say about Puerto Ricans, its that once your in, your in. They love you unconditionally. They care about you no matter what. And they grow as attached to you as you do to them.

Leaving Puerto Rico was hard but I know that I will come back. I made a promise that I would and until then, the memories and the pictures I have will have to suffice. They have truely given me a new understanding of who I am and a better look into the life of my father.

I only wish I could have went sooner.

Te Amo Mucho mis Familia! (I really love my family)
Gracias por todo! (Thank you for everything)

This trip has meant more to me than I can describe in words

Day 35: Back to Tio Orlandos Place

Today I am leaving Orocovis and heading back to my Uncle Orlandos place in Bayamon. It is bittersweet. I am happy to be back with my uncle but a little sad to leave one behind. I have been in Puerto Rico for 35 days now. It feels so much longer.

I bought my return ticket to school last night for August 28. Another bittersweet moment. I love Puerto Rico but I feel like I need to be busier and productive.

As much as I love sitting around the house here in Orocovis, drinking cafe (coffee), eating pan (bread) and watching hours of TV I need something new and exciting. Im going to miss the mountains and Tio Ramons dog Brownie but mostly I will miss the company. My Uncle Ramon and Aunt Lucy have made me feel incredibly welcome and I will miss Ramons craziness.

Im not sure what I will do in Bayamon but Im guessing it will be alot of going to the beach and maybe San Juan. :) After my last beach trip I am planning to wear LOTS of sunscreen. I dont know how much darker I can get but I have faith my skin will surprise me but turning darker.

Anyway Im not sure how often I will be able to update but I will try my hardest to find internet.

I am looking forward to my last few weeks here. Ive been wanting to try this program called . Basically you stay in random peoples homes and crash on their couches or beds (if your lucky). I think this would be another great way to explore the island and experience different parts of PR. As much as I love living with family I feel like I am starting to become a burden. They have to entertain me, feed me and give me a place to sleep. Im thinking of asking my uncle if I can do this for a week.

I dont think it will go over well. I know they are concerned about my inability to speak fluent Spanish and about my safety overall.

Oh well. Till next time kids.

Day 26: Sunburn, Science Teachers and Losing Money

The past fews days have been spent in Bayamon with Uncle Ramon, Aunt Lucy and Kevin. We stayed in the apartment and spent all day Saturday at the beach.



We went with a group of people from Orocovis. One of the men we were with mentioned that he was my fathers 4-6th Grade Science Teacher! He described my dad as being a very nice boy.

We got to the beach around 8am. We tried to find a nice spot to camp out for the day but all the spots with tables were taken so we settled in next to the showers, which turned out great. I spent most of the time in the water and applied sunscreen 2x. I ended up getting sunburned and I now have a tan line. I dont think Ive ever been this brown before. When I compare the tan parts and the un-tanned parts, its almost unbelievable how light and how dark I am.

I collected some seashells for my brother Toby and took pictures of the sunset. My camera died early on in the day so sadly I dont have very many photos from the beach. :(

On Sunday we went to the Prime Outlet Mall here in Puerto Rico. I ended up buying a $80 plancha (hair straightener)! Ive never spent that much money on anything hair related before. It came with a smaller travel size one, a brush, bag and a few more gadgets. I really enjoyed walking around the mall but because Id already spent $80 I decided not to spend any more money.

After the Outlet mall we dropped Kevin off and headed over the the Casino in San Juan.





I was soooooo excited to play the slots. I didnt want to spend very much money there so I decided to only play $5. I ended up winning $11.97 from the original $5 and cashed out. I played another $5 from my winnings and ended up losing it all. :(

I played $4 more dollars to try and win again but my luck ran out and I lost it all. So in total I ended up losing about $3 total. haha It was a very fun experience. I really enjoyed being able to play in the Casino, the age to play here is only 18 and in the States it is 21. So I felt like I was cheating.

Ive spoken to my dad a few times. Once during his BIRTHDAY! Happy Birthday again Daddy!

Ive been thinking about my dad coming to Puerto Rico. The only way I can even begin to come up with a reason why he hasnt returned is to compare it to when I first went to Williams College (my school).

When I left home for Williams I was excited and couldnt wait to leave home. Then when I went back home for Christmas Break I realized how much Id missed it and when it was time to return back to school I was very sad. Leaving home I didnt appreciate all the small things I never thought Id miss and when I realized how much I did miss those things it was harder to leave the second time around.

Maybe if my dad were to come back to Puerto Rico it would be overwhelming trying to explain whats happened in his life the last 20+ years. It hasnt been an easy 20+ years for him and it still isnt. I think he wants to come back when he's in a better place emotionally and financially.

Im just afraid that he will keep putting it off. I know that everyone here wants to see him again regardless of his situation. They are family.

The word FAMILY is so important. Before I came here I always imagined that my dads family was perfect and different from my moms family. AND they are different from my moms family but also very similar. They are wonderfully close, generous, caring and at times a little bit crazy (what family isnt?). Since Ive been here they have accepted me and treated me with the most hospitality Ive experienced anywhere. As soon as I enter a home they tell me to sit down, offer me something to drink/eat, ask me questions about myself, give me hugs, hold my hands and most times ask about how my dad is etc... Its wonderful to experience and its one of the things I will miss most Im sure.

Day 21: Bayamon

Another delayed post. I only have internet access here in Orocovis and Ive been in Bayamon for the last few days at my Uncle Ramons apartment.

I stayed in the apartment with my cousin Alba, her son Kevin and my cousin Yasmins son Ian. It was nice to be back in "civilization," it was also nice to finally spend some money. I bought a new pair of shoes. While we were in Bayamon we watched The Sorcerers Apprentice, went to the beach in Dorado and played alot of Mario Cart on the Wii.

Here is a photo from the beach and some photos that capture the mood of this mini-vacation.






The one complaint I have about Puerto Rico is about the mosquitoes. I must have 100 bites on my body. Every day I get at least 5 bites. Its very bad. :(

I got a chance to speak to my dad again and was able to give him the address to this blog. :) So if your reading this post Daddy: "HELLO!"

I hope you enjoy the pictures.
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Ive decided its about time to start introducing people.

Lets start with Uncle Ramon. He is 'technically' my dads cousin but they were raised together so they consider each other brothers. This picture sums him up perfectly. He is funny, outgoing, and a very wonderful person. I love him.



This is my Aunt Lucy. Ramons Wife. She has been feeding me non-stop since Ive been here. I love her too.



Here is a family picture with their kids and grandkids



More to come later

Day 18: Parque de las Cavernas (ALMOST) and "First Communion" by Accident

The last few days have been pretty uneventful. Its been raining every single day this week. All of the water from the rain broke the pipes so there has been little to no water here in Orocovis for maybe 5 days now.

A few days ago Uncle Ramon tried to take me to the Parque de las Cavernas. We got there around 1:30 just before it started to rain. We bought tickets for the Cave Tour and sat down to wait. Every single place we go my Uncle Ramon strikes up a conversation with people. He is a very social person. :)

While we were waiting it started to sprinkle and just as our number was called for the Introductory film before the actual tour it started to rain hard. Midway through the movie the power went out in the park and they told us that they couldn't let anyone go on the tour in the rain and that the park was closed for the day. I was bummed but Uncle Ramon said we would come back another day. Here is a picture of my Aunt Lucy and I while we were waiting.



Last night my Uncle wanted to take me to witness some "real Puerto Rican music" so we went to one of the local bars and listened to one of the local bands play a set. It was really great. I recorded part of it so that I could show my dad. I think he will really like it.



Today is Sunday and I went to my first ever Catholic Church service. It was beautiful. The blend of singing and preaching was nice and the obvious involvement of the people in the pews in the lecture was nice to watch and be apart of. We went to the Church of Orocovis, the same church where (I think) my dad was baptized and got his first communion. At the end of the service I got caught up in the group of people from my pew headed to the front to get communion and before I could sit back down in my seat the women behind me was ushering me forward to take communion. I looked at my Uncle Ramon and he nodded me to go ahead. I dont think I was supposed to take communion unless Ive been baptized and become a member of the church but in my defense I didnt know. After the service we went to talk to the priest and he blessed me. My Uncle Ramon asked me to get involved with the Catholic Church when I go back to school. I dont know if I will convert to Catholicism but I definitely want to learn more.

I dont think people necessarily label me as a religious person but thinking about it today Ive actually been involved in church for most of my life. When I was younger I went to a Christian church every Sunday. I helped with community service every Saturday in the 6-7th grades. I went to a Seventh Day Adventist school for both 6-7th grade and was actually baptized in that school when I was 13. Ive been around the Native American Church my entire life and took part in my first ceremony 2 summers ago. Ive known the traditional Navajo ceremonies every summer and when I was younger took a huge role in at least 2 of those ceremonies.

Religion has been apart of my life for as long as I can remember. Even though I dont go to church anymore I still appreciate the lessons the church teaches people. They teach you to be a good person, to be generous and to have faith. I know that when I have kids I will take them to church. I know what I believe and I think of myself as a good person. I think I owe alot of that to the churches I attended when I was younger. I learned community service, to appreciate all that I have, faith, morals and that I should treat myself and others with respect. I really enjoyed today because it made me think about all of this. I also really enjoyed being in the church and knowing that there was a small possibility that I could have been sitting in the same seat my dad sat in when he was younger. Small chance I know, but it still made me happy.

Also, I realize I havent posted an image of a food Ive eaten in a while so here is a cookie. It was thin, hard and delicious.

Day 15:

Im sorry my last blog post sucked. I havent been feeling well and my internet connection is spotty.

So far this trip has been incredible. I think all of the freshness and awe that started this trip has started to wear off. Now it has been replaced with wanting to talk to my father about how Im feeling and about what Ive learned (or think Ive learned).

Since Ive been here he has not called me once.

I thought he would be calling me everyday. I want to talk to him about things and I want him to talk to his family. My Uncle Ramon asked me today if I thought my dad would ever come back to Puerto Rico, and I told him I didnt know.

I honestly dont know if my dad will ever come back to Puerto Rico. He has too many responsibilities right now. He has to take care of my younger siblings, his new wife, and he is still working. The contrast between my Uncle Ramon and my dad is striking.

My Uncle Ramon is retired, living in a gorgeous home, he is generous and a very outgoing person. His heart is huge.

My Dad is a very closed person. I feel like I've went through my entire life up to this point not knowing who he is or anything about him. I think my dad tried his best to be a good father but the problems with my mother kept him from doing so.

I feel so grateful to have him as my dad. Ive always felt proud of being 1/2 Puerto Rican and I was always happy to have him in my life. My dad and I have started getting closer this year. We went from talking 3 or 4 times a year to talking everday. He has really opened up to me in the last few months, confiding in me and really letting me see how much he cares. I miss that right now. I want him to call me.

The last few nights I have stayed with my cousin Lizzy and cousin Pito. The uncomfortable-ness is still there. They have made more of an effort to communicate with me, if looking at me every once in a while and making hand motions to come eat is communication.

Other than this little bump in this adventure things have been well. I am happy, well-fed and very contemplative.

Today my Uncle Ramon and I were talking about my father more in depth.

My dads dad (my grandfather) was in the military, he went to Korea. He married my grandmother Carmen and had 3 children (my dad, Wanda, and Orlando). Apparently he got shot and came back to Puerto Rico a little messed up. He got money from the government (about $40,000) and when Carmen left him he spent it all on random things.

When Carmen left, my dads Aunt (Ramons mom) took all 3 kids in with her, because my grandfather was not equipped to take care of them. Ramon says she loved them like her own kids and that my dad was a "really nice boy."

My Aunt Wanda got married (for the first time) when she was 16. My dad joined the military when he was 18 or 19. I mentioned that I had some of the postcards my grandmother (Ramons Mom: from now on when I mention Grandmother she is who I will be referring to) sent to him.

I know that my dad was stationed in Germany for a while and that he learned English while serving in the military.
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The more I learn about my dad, the sadder I get when I think about what he went through in his childhood and with my mother. I know the next time we talk we will have alot to discuss and this trip will only bring us closer. I feel a deep need to make sure he comes back to Puerto Rico. I know it would mean the world to him and to his family and Im going to do everything I can to make it happen.

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Alot has happened in the last few days. I am having trouble posting pictures to this blog but I will add them once the internet is more stable.